


You Showed Me Colours

by KejfeBlintz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Families of Choice, Gen, Oblivious Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Protective Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV), Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 03:07:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30015180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KejfeBlintz/pseuds/KejfeBlintz
Summary: “So what are you gonna do?” May asked.“Talk to my therapist. Be there for Chris when he needs me. Figure out how to live with this. I’ll be fine, May,” Buck said, shooting a watery smile at his second-favourite sister.She smiled back at him. “Yeah, you will be.”
Relationships: Eddie Diaz/Ana Flores (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 80





	You Showed Me Colours

**Author's Note:**

> EDDIE DIAZ, YOU MADE ME WRITE ANGST!

Bobby found Buck in the locker room at the end of the shift, halfheartedly packing his bag.  
“Hey kid, not going with Eddie tonight?” Bobby asked. It was Thursday and Buck always left with Eddie for an evening with Chris but Eddie had already gone.  
“No, uh, Ana’s going over for movies and pizza,” Buck replied, roughly shoving a hoodie into his bag.  
“I didn’t realise it was that serious between them,” Bobby replied, leaning against the lockers beside Buck.  
“Apparently so.” Buck’s voice cracked.   
Bobby made a decision. “Come for dinner.”  
“Nah it’s ok, just kinda want to go home,” Buck said, closing his locker and making to leave.   
Bobby grasped his shoulder to stop him. “Wasn’t a request. I get the feeling you probably shouldn’t be alone right now.”  
“Bobby, I’m fine,” Buck argued, voice cracking again.   
“No, you’re not. Come on, let’s go.”  
Despite his protests, Buck trailed after Bobby to the parking lot, sliding into the passenger seat of his truck. He was silent for the whole journey home.

Bobby greeted Athena with a kiss as she met them at the bottom of the stairs. “Good day?” he asked.  
“No complaints,” Athena replied, then shot a questioning look at Bobby as she caught sight of Buck hovering on the stairs.  
“Buck needs some family time tonight,” Bobby explained, stepping past Athena and heading to the kitchen.  
Athena turned her attention to Buck. “Everything OK, baby?” she asked. Buck nodded, then stopped and shook his head, eyes suspiciously red. “Come sit with me and tell me all about it.” She herded Buck over to the couch and settled him down beside her. “What’s eating you, Buckaroo?”  
Buck took a shaky breath and scrubbed his hands over his eyes. “Nothing important, just a hard day.”  
“It’s important if it’s upsetting you. Did you have a tough call?” Athena asked, taking hold of one of Buck’s hands and squeezing it.  
“No, work was fine. Just dealing with some stuff, that’s all,” Buck replied.  
“Your parents? I know that whole mess was hard for you.”  
Buck shook his head. “No, I’m just being an idiot.”  
Athena scrutinised him for a minute, brain whirring as she ran through possible reasons for Buck’s obvious distress. Bobby brought them both mugs of tea and caught Athena’s confusion.  
“Eddie’s introducing his girlfriend to Christopher tonight,” he explained, leaving them to it.  
“Oh baby,” Athena crooned.  
Buck lost his fight with his tears and buried his head in his hands. “I’m an idiot,” he sobbed out.  
Athena gathered him into a hug and let him cry himself out on her shoulder, rocking him gently. It took a little while but eventually, he calmed down and hid his face in her neck, clearly embarrassed.  
“Are you ready to talk to me?” Athena asked.  
Buck nodded and pushed back enough to lean against the back of the sofa rather than Athena’s shoulder.  
“I always spend Thursday evening with them, stay over and make breakfast on Fridays if we don’t have a shift,” he said quietly. “And I’m quite obviously not there tonight.”  
Athena hummed at that. “He couldn’t have chosen a different night for this introduction? Had to be a Thursday?”  
“Apparently it was the only night Ana had free,” Buck replied, scrubbing away the last of his tears with his sleeve. “We’ve had a difficult week with Christopher and I guess Eddie just wanted to get this step out of the way so they could move forward.”  
“Tell me about Christopher,” Athena prompted, not missing how Buck had said ‘we’.  
“He reacted badly when Eddie told him he’d started dating,” Buck said, leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling.  
“How badly?” Athena prompted.  
“Stole Eddie’s phone ordered an Uber and turned up on my doorstep badly.”   
Athena let out a short, humourless laugh, “That kid’s going to be a handful when he hits his teenage years.”  
“Tell me about it,” Buck replied with a small smile. “Eddie might regret raising such an independent kid.”  
“So how did you handle it?”   
Buck’s face fell. “I called Eddie, told him Chris had turned up. He was panicking, set off straight away. Chris and I talked while we waited. He’s handling the disruption of this pandemic so well I guess we didn’t think to keep checking in to see how he’s really doing. He wasn’t really upset about Eddie dating, he-” Buck broke off in another sob. Athena squeezed his hand as he got himself under control again. “He was upset about losing me.”  
“Oh Buckaroo,” Athena sighed out, tugging him back into her arms. “You boys have skipped a few steps and gone straight to divorce and custody battles, haven’t you?”  
Buck just buried himself in her embrace and cried.

Buck had calmed down by the time May got home from her shift but was still leaning against Athena in a dejected heap on the sofa.  
“Hey, everything OK?” May asked, taking in the sight.  
“Eddie’s a fool,” Athena said as May leaned down to hug her.  
May regarded Buck closely. “You want me to paint your nails while we complain about boys?” she offered. Buck shot her a watery smile and nodded. “Let me get changed and grab my stuff, I’ll just be a minute.”  
“Go wash your face,” Athena instructed with a kiss to Buck’s temple.

May had commandeered a corner of the dining table and set out an array of nail care things by the time Buck returned from the bathroom. This routine with May had started as a joke between them one night when May’s crush had asked out her best friend and Buck had been at the house. Growing up with Maddie had taught Buck that heartbreak needed ice cream and makeovers so he’d offered his services as a Maddie-approved manicurist and May had been glad of the distraction. Over the following years, it had become something more meaningful for the both of them. May patted the seat beside her as Buck approached. He sat down and offered her his hands.  
“So Eddie’s a fool?” she asked, beginning the manicure. Buck hummed noncommittally. Every bit her mother’s daughter, May was astute enough to realise that pushing Buck wouldn’t end well. “Did I tell you what Drew did yesterday?” Instead, she launched into a tale of the latest injustice that had befallen her friendship group as she worked on Buck’s nails. By the time she was ready for Buck to choose a colour, he’d relaxed.  
“Why aren’t you at Eddie’s tonight?” she asked, taking the bottle of blue polish that Buck had chosen.  
“He’s introducing his new girlfriend to Chris,” Buck replied with false cheer.  
“I didn’t know he was dating,” May said as she worked.  
“Oh yeah. They’ve been on two dates and Chris had a meltdown when he found out, so this is clearly a fantastic idea.”  
“I’m sorry, what? Isn’t that a bit fast?” May gaped at Buck. Buck shrugged. “So she’s at his house right now, playing happy families on your family night?”  
“Yep.”  
“Damn.”  
“Yep.”  
“Yeah, we don’t own enough ice cream for this,” May said, shaking her head in disbelief. “I’m gonna need you to start from the beginning.”  
Buck recounted the tale of Ana Flores to an increasingly incredulous May as she painted his nails electric blue.   
“So hang on, this is the same teacher who he yelled at because Chris got hurt on her watch?” May clarified.   
“Apparently he apologised so that’s all ok now,” Buck said with an eye roll.  
“Wait, HE apologised? She didn’t?”  
“Nope.”  
May shook her head in disbelief and gestured for him to continue.  
“How did he miss Chris leaving the house? I love that kid but he’s not exactly stealthy,” she asked when Buck reached the part where Chris Ubered himself to his apartment.  
“He was on a video call with Ana,” Buck replied with a scowl.  
“Right so that’s twice Chris’s safety was in question because of her and he’s STILL going ahead with this?” May exclaimed. “Yeah, that man’s a fool. We hate her, right?”  
“We can’t hate her, May,” Buck said with a sigh.  
“Why the hell not?”  
“Because she makes him happy and that’s all that matters.”  
May glared at him. “Do you listen to yourself when you talk? She’s put Chris at risk, she’s turned Eddie into more of an idiot than he was before- don’t give me that look, you’re no better- and he’s letting her push you out of your family. Nope, we hate her.”  
“May-” Buck tried.  
“Nope. Does he have any idea what this is doing to you?” she asked, gesturing wildly.  
“I don’t matter May, this is his relationship,” Buck said softly.  
“You do matter, you’re his damned partner. You’re raising his kid! You’re so good together,” May huffed, noisily tidying away the array of nail polishes on the table.  
“But we’re not together, we’re just friends. He wants something that he doesn’t get from me,” Buck tried to placate her.  
May scrutinised him. “I thought the two of you were working up to that?”  
Buck shrugged and fiddled with a bottle of nail polish. “I thought so too.”  
May sighed and reached out to squeeze his hands with hers, mindful of the wet nail polish. “Boys suck,”   
“Yeah,” Buck agreed.  
“So what are you gonna do?” May asked.  
“Talk to my therapist. Be there for Chris when he needs me. Figure out how to live with this. I’ll be fine, May,” Buck said, shooting a watery smile at his second-favourite sister.  
She smiled back at him. “Yeah, you will be.”

Other than a mumbled ‘morning’ at the beginning of their shift the next day, Buck managed to avoid Eddie. Bobby helped, assigning them tasks at opposite sides of the fire house and pairing Eddie with Hen out on calls. Eddie kept shooting him confused looks but otherwise let him be. Buck was coping until mid-afternoon when Eddie announced that Ana was on her way with coffee and pastries for them all. Buck slipped away as Chim started interrogating Eddie and settled into the back seat of a ladder truck. He’d spoken to Dr Copeland before the start of the shift and she’d reminded him of the importance of looking out for his own needs. Buck didn’t need the ache in his chest to know that staying upstairs and sharing coffee with Ana and Eddie would be a bad idea. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on a science podcast.

Twenty minutes later Hen opened the truck door and climbed into the seat beside him, wordlessly holding out a mug of tea and a protein bar. At his confused expression she shrugged.  
“I wasn’t about to bring you coffee and pastries, was I?”   
Buck paused the podcast and took the mug from her. Hen gently took his hand and turned it to see his nails.  
“Nice,” she commented.  
“Thanks, May did them for me last night,” he said, taking a sip of tea. He leaned heavily against Hen’s shoulder, grateful when she seemed content to sit in silence for a while. 

“So, we’re going to make Eddie suffer, right?” she said after a while, jostling Buck gently.  
“No, Hen,” he replied, shaking his head fondly. “Leave him alone.”  
“Yeah, no. He’s hurting you and that’s unacceptable,” Hen replied with a frown.  
“Unintentionally. This is my issue, not his.”  
“Your feelings matter too, Buckaroo,” Hen said gently. “I will never be OK with someone hurting you, even if it's unintentional.”  
Buck tipped his head back to smile up at her. “Thank you.”  
“Yeah well, somehow I’ve gotten quite fond of you,” Hen teased, nudging him. Buck offered her an earphone and restarted the podcast. They got all the way through it before the bell rang.

Buck thought he’d managed to slip out at the end of the shift without having to face Eddie. His heart sank when he looked across the parking lot to see Eddie leaning up against his Jeep with a determined look on his face. Buck sighed and made his way over.  
“Hey,” he greeted quietly once he was in range.  
“Hey man, you OK?” Eddie asked, unfolding his arms and reaching out to clasp Buck’s shoulder. Buck stepped back before he could make contact. Eddie startled, Buck had never rejected his touch. “What’s going on?” he asked.  
Buck was about to brush him off, tell him everything was fine, then remembered Dr Copeland’s suggestion of being more open with his feelings.  
“I’m having a hard time right now and need a little space, ok?” he said, keeping his eyes on the Jeep’s tyres. It was probably due a check-up, he mused, the tyres were getting worn.  
“Space? From me?” Eddie asked, confusion evident. Buck nodded. “Why?”  
“Because I’m upset with you and I need time to work out how to process that,” he replied.   
Eddie was clearly stunned. “What have I done?”  
Buck took a breath, knowing that it was important to verbalise things but really not wanting to. “I’m upset with how easily you replaced me with Ana last night, and I’m angry about how your decisions put Chris at risk, how you didn’t notice that he’d left the house, alone, at night. I need to not be near you right now while I sort all of that out in my head.”  
Eddie gaped at him. “So that’s it? You’re walking away from us again? You just promised Chris that you weren’t going anywhere.” Eddie was getting angry.  
Buck held up a hand to placate him, “I’m not going back on that, I will be wherever he needs me, whenever he needs me, my relationship with him is separate from my relationship with you and there’s no reason for him to get caught in the middle.”   
“So what, you’ll talk to my ten year old, but not to me? What do you want from me here, Buck?” Eddie couldn’t seem to stop himself from posturing which made Buck shrink back into himself.  
“I want you to step away from my truck so I can go home.”  
Eddie seemed to notice his discomfort and made a visible effort to calm down. “What’s going on here?”  
Buck took a breath and gripped the handle of his duffel bag tightly where it rested over his shoulder. “I’m asking you for some time apart to deal with some stuff so I don’t end up doing or saying something that ruins the best friendship I’ve ever had.”  
Eddie softened immediately, “Hey talk to me, remember what happens when we forget to talk to each other?”  
“Yeah, you join a fight club,” Buck muttered.   
He saw Eddie nod out of the corner of his eye. “Exactly. We’re not good at healthy communication.”  
Buck nodded his agreement and risked peeking at Eddie from under his lashes. Eddie tried to catch his eye but Buck couldn’t cope with that yet. “I uh, I’m not handling you dating Ana that well. It’s making my abandonment issues worse. That’s not on you!” Buck hurried to clarify, “But I can’t deal with it in a healthy way if I’m around you, especially not if she’s there too. So I’m going to need to keep my distance until I’ve got a handle on it, ok?”  
“I-yeah, OK. If that’s what you need,” Eddie sounded devastated. “What about Chris?”  
“I still want to see him, but not at the house. You can bring him to the loft, or I’ll take him to the park or something, but I can’t-” Buck’s voice broke as he fought to keep his emotions in check. “Sorry, I know I’m being dramatic. He can call whenever he wants, I promised to help him with a science project and I’ll still do that.”  
Eddie fidgeted in place, moving as if to clasp Buck’s wrist but stopping when Buck stepped back again. “Are you still coming to Abuela’s on Sunday?” he asked.  
Buck shook his head. “No, I- not this week.”  
Eddie finally stepped away from the Jeep so Buck could get in. Glancing in the rear view mirror as he peeled out of the lot, Buck saw Eddie standing where he’d left him, looking lost.

Buck’s phone vibrated early on Sunday evening, alerting him to a Facetime call from Eddie. He considered ignoring it for half a second but Albert’s pointed look was enough for him to lever himself off the couch and answer the call as he climbed the stairs to his bed. Chris’s worried face greeted him.  
“Hey buddy, how are you doing?” Buck asked, settling himself on the bed.  
“Why aren’t you here, Bucky?” Chris asked. “Are you sick?”  
Heartsick maybe, Buck thought to himself. “I’m not feeling great,” Buck said out loud, hedging around the truth. “Does your dad know you have his phone?”  
Chris shook his head. “Borrowed it. Abuela’s telling him off.”  
“Chris, we talked about why you can’t just use people’s phones without their permission, remember?” Buck said. “I thought your dad was going to put a password on it?”  
“He did but I guessed it. Are you OK?”  
Buck swallowed back a surge of pride at this ingenious kid’s antics. “I’ll be OK, I promise. Are you having fun?”  
Chris sighed. “Miss you. Abuela and Dad are mad at each other. Pepa and Daniela didn’t come either but Diego and Mateo are here.”  
“They are huh? Didn’t you feel like hanging out with them today?” Buck asked.  
“I’m going back in a minute, Mateo brought his Switch and says he’ll let me have a go.”  
Buck couldn’t help the fond smile. “He did? That sounds fun.”  
Chris smiled back. “He has Animal Crossing.”  
“No way! I’m jealous!”  
“Will you be feeling better tomorrow?” Chris asked.  
“I’m already feeling better now,” Buck replied with a smile.  
“Can you help me with my project?”  
Heartbreak shot through Buck’s chest. “You’ll have to ask your dad.”  
Chris looked confused, Buck hadn’t had to wait for permission for years. “Just come home with him after work,” Chris said.  
“Tell you what,” Buck said, proud of his voice staying steady, “If your dad says it's OK why don’t you come here? We can work on your project, and I’ve got a new recipe I could use your help with.”  
Chris grinned at him, nodding eagerly. “Yeah!” There was a noise off-screen. “Gotta go, Dad’s coming. Bye Bucky.”  
Chris ended the call before Buck could say anything. 

Eddie greeted Buck quietly as he entered the locker room the next morning. Buck nodded his own hello.  
“You, uh, might want to think about locking your phone with your fingerprint rather than a password,” Buck said. Eddie raised a questioning brow in his direction. “Chris Facetimed me last night from Abuela’s.”  
Eddie let out an explosive sigh. “I’m sorry.”  
“Not a problem. I reminded him about what we said about using people’s phones without permission.”   
“Thanks. What did he want?” Eddie asked.  
“He asked why I wasn’t there, wanted to make sure I was OK. And he wanted me to help him with his project,” Buck replied. Eddie went very still beside him. “I told him I wasn’t feeling great, which was true. And I said he had to ask you about the project, but if it was OK then he could come to the loft and I’d help him out.”  
Buck noticed Eddie’s clenched fists, his visible effort to keep his emotions in check.  
“Of course it's OK, it will always be OK. I can bring him over this evening after I pick him up from Abuela,” Eddie said.   
Buck nodded. “That would be great, thanks Eddie.”  
Eddie just nodded at him and began to change into his uniform.

“What’s going on with you and Eddie?” Albert asked a week later after Eddie had picked Chris up from the loft.  
“We’re fine,” Buck said, tidying up the remains of their craft session.  
“You’re passing a kid between you like a divorced couple,” Albert pointed out.  
“We’re working out some differences.”  
“Do these differences involve Eddie’s new girlfriend?” Albert sing-songed. Buck threw a cushion at him. “Are you jealous? Is that what I’m looking at right now?”  
“Shut up, Albert,” Buck growled out.   
Albert held up his hands placatingly. “Fine, I’ll stay out of it. You two need to get your heads out of your asses, it's painful for the rest of us.”

It took another week and several more therapy sessions before Buck felt able to have a proper conversation with Eddie without dissolving into an emotional mess. Wanting neutral ground they arranged to meet in a park halfway between their houses. Buck stopped at their favourite coffee shop on the way, picking up their usual order as a peace offering. Eddie was waiting on a bench when he arrived and took the proffered coffee with a small smile. Buck settled on the bench beside him.  
“I want to talk to you about why this is so hard for me, is that OK?” he asked.  
Eddie nodded. “Yeah, whatever you need.”  
Buck took a steadying breath. “I’m happy for you Eds, I really am. That you feel ready to date again after Shannon, that you’ve found someone you like in Ana, that you’re getting the chance to do new things with new people, that genuinely makes me happy and I do support you. I wanted to start off by saying that.”   
“Thanks,” Eddie said quietly.  
“But I’m struggling with how my role has changed. I didn’t realise how much I’d come to rely on you, and Chris, on our little pseudo-family, until suddenly there was a new dynamic, another person to consider who fit in ways and places that I didn’t. I got too comfortable I guess.”  
Eddie made a wounded little noise beside him and Buck held up his hand to forestall any interruptions.  
“Please just let me say this? I won’t get it out otherwise.” he pleaded. “I have so many issues with family and being left behind, issues that I’m working on with Dr Copeland, and I’m getting better, I really am, but Ana appearing so close behind the disaster of my parents visit really knocked me. I don’t have firm ground under my feet at the moment which is why I reacted so badly to you inviting Ana to yours on a Thursday. Family time with you and Chris means so much to me and it felt, not good, to be physically, literally replaced by someone else on the one night we always make an effort to spend together. Can you understand that?”  
He heard Eddie sniff beside him, saw him nod out of the corner of his eye.  
“So that, on top of Chris being so upset that he ran to me after an argument with you, also because of Ana, was more than I could rationally process. I value our friendship too much to let my issues damage it, so I had to pull back from you until I felt strong enough to stand beside you again. I don’t want to lose you, Eddie.”  
“Dios, Buck,” Eddie gasped, reaching out to grab Buck’s hand. Buck allowed the contact, gripping back tightly. “I’ve hurt you so much.”  
“Yeah, you have,” Buck said through his own tears.  
Eddie scrubbed his free hand across his face, drying the few tears that had slipped out. “I am so, so sorry. I didn’t think about you, you’re a constant, always there for us, it never occurred to me that me dating again would have any impact on us, on you and me, because you’re family.” He took in a shuddering breath. “Where do we go from here?”  
“Can I tell you what I’d like? Then we can go from there?” Buck asked, squeezing Eddie’s hand.  
“Yeah, please.”  
“I miss spending time together, the three of us but also just you and me. Nothing special, just hanging out, but that’s important to me. I’d like it if we could set aside some time each week where we could make that happen?”   
Eddie nodded. “Definitely, I’ve missed you these last weeks. Will you come home, to ours I mean?”  
Buck sighed. “It’s hard for me to be there because it reminds me of what I don’t have.”  
“You do have it Buck, you have us, you have a family. It might look a little different than before but dios, we want you there,” Eddie’s voice was thick with emotion.  
“I’ll think about it,” Buck replied. “The other thing is harder.”   
Eddie made a ‘go on’ gesture.  
“I can’t spend any time with Ana yet. If she’s going to be somewhere I need to be somewhere else. I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to spend time with her, but it's not yet. I know that makes me sound like a jealous ex or whatever, but I just can’t see you together.”  
“No, I get it,” Eddie said. “I, uh, don’t like seeing you with Taylor.” Eddie huffed out a laugh. “Apparently we’re possessive over each other.”  
Buck let out a dry chuckle. “Apparently so.”  
They sat quietly together for a moment.  
“Are we gonna be OK?” Buck asked in a small voice.  
Eddie squeezed his hand. “Always.”


End file.
